BY JATIKA HUDSON, GUEST WRITER TO THE TIMES
Taking care of a loved one as they age is one of the most challenging tasks for any caregiver. And many times, once the job becomes too much for the mental, physical or emotional health, the option of submitting to the idea of a nursing facility become real. It’s not always an easy or pleasant thought, but for long-term caregivers, it may be the only option.
Jeanna McKnight, founder of Graceful Living, a company that provides clients with a holistic approach to aging that addresses mature adults’ physical, emotional and social well-being and their families. With the increase of those of advanced age and experiencing health issues entering, one of the areas McKnight’s company assists with is being a safe space where caretakers can learn to cope and walk through the process of possibly making difficult decisions.
“I’ve had several clients who have made the decision on whether or not they wanted to do nursing home,” she recalls. “I worked as a director of care transitions for a nursing home facility, so this was a conversation I’ve had many times with family members trying to decide whether they want to do nursing home or take their loved one home get home care.”
McKnight earned her Master of Science in Gerontology from Brenau University. She has been interested in caring for the older population for many years and taking care of her mother gives her the heart to advise others how to care for their loved ones.
Numerous reasons that nursing facilities are considered include physical challenges of possibly moving and bathing the family member and some may become combative; caregivers can have jobs outside of the home that cause them to not be able to give adequate care; the stresses that come with distributing medications; and many other causes.
If the answer is the nursing home, the reality of facing feelings of failure, guilt, shame may overwhelm the caregiver. However, the truth is that there are many who are facing the same circumstances and there are ways to overcome those feelings and give your loved one smooth transition into a care facility. McKnight was the caretaker for her mother and has experienced the stresses of making the choice of at-home care or a nursing facility.
“Even if it’s the very last decision for them, they exhaust all the options, or even if it’s just temporary, nursing home care is just not where they want to be,” McKnight explains. “It’s not where the patients want to be either. But sometimes it is the best and the safest place for them to actually be.”
A large part of the difficulty is the guilt of removing the loved one away from the familiarity of their home and placing them in a foreign environment. One of McKnight’s clients, Kimberly Boyd, shares her story of taking care of her mother.
Boyd shares that she struggled of guilt when she placed her mother in a nursing home. In her mother’s later years, she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and the effects of the disease left Boyd as her caretaker. She was the daughter that lived closest to her mother in Atlanta rather than her sister who resided in New York.
The progression of MS caused other ailments to affect, her such as sepsis. Boyd recalls how fast the process went as doctors advised that she place her other in a care facility.
“My first course of action was to keep her at home in [McKnight’s] community care program where you get the care at home with health aides paid for through Medicaid, Medicare,” she recalls. “My mother kind of zoomed, and I’m telling you when I say zoom, that’s what I mean. We felt like we were upside down. She entered the nursing home after a series of mishaps from an infection of a wound that wasn’t healing fast enough.”
Just as many other caretakers, Boyd saw that the level of care her mother required exceeded her experience and ability due to the physicality it took, the needs her own family required from her. At the time, child was young and needed her attention and she also worked a full-time job. She admits that she wasn’t in a great place mentally and emotionally.
“Because I was working. My mental state was not good but, I had lots of other things to keep me busy. Thank goodness I didn’t flatten anyone at my job,” she laughs. “We walk around, and we literally don’t know what people are going through. So, that outburst from that person at the Wal-Mart, Target or at a restaurant, you have to know that this can’t be where the problem is. There’s something behind this which is making them go off. It’s all these things that everybody’s carrying around.
As her mother’s physical needs increased, Boyd noticed that she became physically and verbally violent toward the staff. “It was very tough and trying on us just to keep her at the home because of her behavior. She would flail her arms, hit folks and stuff like that. That’s exhausting, you know,” she explains.
Boyd was her mother’s main caregiver for 20 years, 1994-2014, until she passed away at age 94. She’s written an audio book that available on Amazon.com, Parent Puzzle: A to Z Guide on Assembling Care for Your Parents, about her experiences and how to be an effective caretaker.
Visit these websites to view ways to relieve caretaker stress, guilt and know that you’re not alone.
caringbridge.com
Caregiver.com
WebMD
Caregiver.org
uhc.com (United Healthcare)
Causes and suggestions for handling caregiver guilt according to Blue Moon Senior Counseling website are:
- Acknowledge the guilt: Whenever you’re dealing with a painful emotion, acknowledging the feeling is the first step toward overcoming it. Don’t try to suppress or ignore our caregiver guilt when it’s affecting your mental health.
- Adjust your expectations: Caregiver guilt often results from unrealistic expectations for yourself. You want to be the perfect caretaker for your loved on and provide them with the highest quality of life.
- Avoid comparison: Comparing yourself to other caretakers can be devastating to your mental health and sense of self. You can never truly know what’s going on in someone’s household.
- Focus on quality time: Finding meaning and purpose in your time with your loved one can help your avoid caregiver guilt. When you’re a full-time caregiver, it’s easy to get lost in the routine and go through the motions each day.
- Seek social support: Caregiver guilt can be a sign of burnout or fatigue. When you feel too exhausted to support your loved one, the feeling of guilt and shame start to creep in. The best way to avoid burnout and continue providing quality care is to lean on your social support network.
- Find balance: If your only sense of worth or purpose comes from caretaking, you’ll feel extreme guilt and share over the slightest missteps. To maintain your mental health, you should find a balance between caregiving and the other aspects of your life.
- Talk to a therapist: If your guilt persists despite your best efforts, it may be time to reach out to a mental health professional for support.
This article was written with the support of a journalism fellowship from The Gerontological Society of America, The Journalists Network on Generations and the John A. Hartford Foundation.
